


Heartless

by SDBookFan



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Polyam Sanders - Freeform, Polyamory, Self-Esteem Issues, The T is because Virgil swears, there isn't a good polyam sanders tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2019-01-29 18:12:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12636462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SDBookFan/pseuds/SDBookFan
Summary: “I don’t know how you can be so heartless.” Logan can't get those words out of his head.





	Heartless

**Author's Note:**

> Check out my tumblr at ec-sanderssides

“I don’t know how you can be so heartless.”

Prince’s words rang out in the room. “Sometime, I swear, it’s like you don’t even have emotions.”

Logan felt himself stiffen. “Just because I don’t feel the need to weep over a cartoon deer, does not make me heartless,” he said quietly.

“Well, you didn’t need to roll your eyes at me for doing it either. And besides, that’s hardly the only example. Why, just last week, you so cruelly refused to let us get that dog Morality had been begging for.”

“We can’t afford to have a dog and you know that, Roman.” Logan pursed his lips. That had been a bad day, Morality had nearly cried, but there was no way they could afford the proper care for a dog.

“You could have at least considered it,” Prince grumbled, turning back towards the TV.

“This is irrelevant.” Logan turned towards the door. “I have work to do, I’ll see you at dinner.”

Prince only offered a dismissive wave of his hand as a response. Logan made his way out of the common room, towards his own bedroom, locking the door upon entry. He stared blankly at the ground. Was that really how the others thought about him?

He knew that he was… colder than the other sides, who were so much more easily influenced by emotion, but he hadn’t thought they’d minded. But this wasn’t the first comment of this sort he’d heard. Hadn’t Morality asked him to have a heart when he refused to let them get the puppy?

Logan knew he was obsessing over what was in all likelihood a throwaway comment from Roman, but he couldn’t stop. Were the others unhappy being with him? Did they feel he wasn’t demonstrative enough in their relationship? Or worse, perhaps they doubted his interest in their relationship at all.

Logan swallowed hard. He really hoped that last part wasn’t true. If they thought that he didn’t reciprocate their feelings, that would be devastating. Because he did, he did. He loved them.

_Really, are you sure?_ A voice crept into his mind, hissing softly. _You’re not very good at showing it._

Logan squeezed his eyes shut. He was being ridiculous. It wasn’t like he had faked being in love. Perhaps he could stand to show it more, but he did love them

_They were the ones to approach you though,_ the voice pointed out. You didn’t even notice they were interested until they flat out told you. _You hadn’t even thought about being in a relationship with them. Are you sure you joined because you loved them, or just because they asked and it seemed reasonable enough to you._

No, he loved them. True, he hadn’t realized it before the others had said something. But once they had, he’d examined his feelings and realized the truth.

But the voice had managed to plant a seed of doubt. Had it really been love? Or had he just mistaken fondness to something else? He certainly enjoyed the company of the others, but that wasn’t the same as love. He didn’t declare it often like Morality. He wasn’t one for big romantic gestures like Prince. He didn’t even sneakily offer gifts and cuddles like Anxiety.

Logan could feel his pulse rate going up as his breath came in faster and more raggedly. God, what if he was heartless. What if he’d only just been going through the motions this entire time, and he didn’t actually feel anything for the others? What if he’d been lying this entire time? That would devastate them. He’d hurt them.

He- he couldn’t, no.

Logan sank to the floor, completely lost. He had no idea what to do. Normally he would got to Morality for emotion-related issues, but if he was correct the news that he hadn’t ever loved any of them would devastate Morality. No, he couldn’t tell any of the others. He just had to keep quiet for their sake. Even if he truly was emotionless, he still could keep up the pretense long enough to slowly pull away. That way he wouldn’t hurt them.

Logan ignored the ache in his chest as he thought about pulling away. If he was so incapable of feeling, they’d be better off without him in the long run. He had never really brought much to the relationship anyway. They’d probably be relieved in the end.

Logan stayed in his room till dinner, calming himself down, and reluctantly making plans for how to break things off as gently as possible. By the time Morality came to knock at his door, he had a rough sketch of an idea, but he wasn’t much calmer. As he walked to the kitchen, Logan decided to just stay quiet for most of dinner. He wasn’t really sure what would end up pouring out if he opened his mouth.

The table had already been set, and he could see Anxiety sitting at the table looking at his phone. He looked up when Logan walked in though.

“Hey,” he drawled, “haven’t seen you all day.”

Logan just nodded at him as he sat down, forcing his lips up into a small smile.

Anxiety’s eyebrows knit together and he put down his phone. “You okay?” he asked.

“I’m fine,” Logan forced out, “Merely tired.”

“Want to come back to my room for a cuddle and a nap after dinner?” Anxiety offered.

Logan shook his head. “That’s unnecessary, thank you for offering though.”

If he wanted to break this off, he had to begin pulling away now. Although Anxiety’s offer was truly tempting. While the darker side could be temperamental in his affections, once their relationship had progressed, he had revealed a love for physical affection. Many times when tired, he would just flop onto the lap of whoever was closest and refuse to move.

Anxiety looked like he still had something to say, but whatever it was, it was interrupted by Morality entering with dinner.

“I made chicken and mashed potatoes tonight,” he said cheerfully. “Plus a side of green beans. I hope you like it.”

It smelled delicious, but Logan didn’t take very much food. His stomach still felt tight and the thought of food made him feel slightly queasy.

His lackluster appetite evidently caught Morality’s attention, as the other side asked in a concerned tone, “Are you feeling alright, champ?”

“He says he’s just tired,” Anxiety cut in before he could reply, his eyes studying Logan intensely.

“Well that’s no good,” Morality said, now looking even more concerned. “Here, let me feel your forehead. Maybe you’re coming down with something.”

“I’m fine,” Logan said through gritted teeth. He stood up from the table, unable to bear the concern any longer. “I’m just going to go back to my room to nap.”

Prince’s hand caught his arm before he could leave the table though. “Let go of me, Prince,” he snapped. He had to get out of there.

But Prince wasn’t letting go, instead he pulled Logan closer, looking up at him with confusion. “Logan,” he began, “what’s going on?”

“Nothing is going on,” Logan told him, tugging at his arm, “I just need, I’m just not hungry.“

“If you aren’t feeling well, I could make some soup instead,” Morality offered, having gotten out of his seat to stand near Logan.

“That’s unnecessary,” Logan said, “I’m _fine_.”

But on the last word, his voice cracked. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t handle them being so kind when he’d been so awful. He squeezed his eyes shut in a desperate attempt to stop the approaching tears, but it didn’t work. He could feel them slip down his cheeks, one right after the other. A sob tore out of his throat and his hands came to cover his face. He-he couldn’t do this.

Instantly, he felt arms wrap around him, and soothing voice begin to croon in his ear.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay sweetheart. It’s okay, we’re here, you’re okay. We’ve got you, it will all be okay.”

Logan couldn’t stop crying though. There was a slight murmur then a rustle of fabric, and suddenly he was being picked up and carried bridal style in Prince’s arms. He could feel himself being set down on the couch and the couch cushions dip as the others joined him, but he didn’t dare open his eyes.

A set of hands tugged him sideways, pulling him to lean into their owner’s chest. Meanwhile, other hands rubbed his back and ran through his hair. Eventually, Logan’s choked sobs trailed off, and he was left sniffling and exhausted.

He pushed himself out of the warm embrace, which he now recognized to be Morality’s, sitting up straight instead, as he began cleaning his glasses, still refusing to look at the others.

“I’m sorry for that,” he murmured, “But I’m fine now.”

“If you think we’ll believe that, you’re an idiot,” Anxiety said, peering at him with concern from his perch on the back of the couch.

“He’s right,” Prince said quietly from Logan’s left. “What brought this on?”

Logan just stared at his feet again. He really didn’t want to tell them. If he told them he might ruin everything.

But then Morality’s hand tugged his chin up to face the other side, whose eyes were shimmering with worry. “Baby, please,” Morality begged, “Just tell us what’s wrong. Tell us how we can help.”

That broke him.

“I don’t deserve you,” Logan said, shame filling his voice.

There was a pause as the others processed that. Then-

“What the hell are you talking about?” Anxiety asked harshly, sounding agitated. “Where the fuck did you get an idea like that?”

“You all deserve people who can love you,” Logan explained, having broken from Morality’s grip to stare at the floor once more. “And I- I can’t. I’m too cold, too emotionless, too heartless to love you the way you all deserve to be loved. And I am so, so sorry.”

He went to stand, not wanting to stay and draw out his pain any longer, but the he was being firmly pressed to Morality’s chest, his arms clutching Logan desperately.

“That’s not true,” the other side was whispering, his voice sounding horrified. “That’s not true at all. You’re perfect and we love you, and we love the way you love us. There is nothing wrong with you!”

“But it is true,” Logan said trying to pry himself out of Morality’s arms, to give himself some space before he broke again, but the other refused to budge, and he could feel the arms of the other two begin to wind their way around him as well.

“It is,” he insisted, “I am heartless. I disappoint you all the time. I didn’t- I didn’t even notice you had feelings for me before you outright told me, and I would have never considered being with you if you haven’t suggested it. I thought that I could be enough, that my inability to deal with emotions wouldn’t matter, but I’m not and I can’t. I’m not enough!”

He could feel the tears dripping out again, as he sat trapped in a cocoon of arm affection, knowing he deserved none of it.

“I don’t know why or how you can think that,” Anxiety said fiercely, his voice coming from right next to Logan’s ear, “but it’s a goddamn lie. You will always be enough.”

“He’s right, sweetheart,” Morality said, now sounding as though he was crying too. “And I’m so sorry you ever felt like you weren’t.”

Prince was the next to speak. “Is this because of what I said earlier?” he asked, sounding terrified, “because I swear I didn’t mean it. I was annoyed and embarrassed and I lashed out at you. And that was so wrong of me. I never should have hurt, I am so sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Logan muttered, “You were right anyway.”

Immediately after saying that, he felt his shoulders being seized and whipped around, as Prince pulled him into a fierce and desperate kiss. Prince’s hands came up to cup his face, thumbs gently stroking away Logan’s tears.

The gesture was so full of love, that Logan couldn’t help the small sob that broke through his lips. Prince’s only response was to pull him closer, the kiss gentling as Logan leaned, trembling, into it.

When they finally broke for air, Prince leaned his forehead against Logan’s his eyes wild and intense. “You are not heartless,” he said firmly. “Do you struggle with your emotions sometimes? Yes, but that doesn’t make you heartless. You are an amazing man, who I am so lucky to have, and I will love your forever, because you will always be enough. Do you understand me?”

“I-“ Logan began, but his voice was too choked to speak anymore.

Anxiety broke the silence. “Roman’s right,” he said, “Struggling with emotions doesn’t make you a bad person. I mean, how many times have you had to talk me down when my head gets too screwed up to think straight?”

“That’s different,” Logan rasped out.

“Is it?” Morality asked, letting his chin hook over Logan’s shoulder. “Because I don’t think so. And if you’re still worried, well, would someone who’s emotionless be in this position? Would someone who didn’t love us feel this hurt?”

Logan’s breath caught. That- that was…

“He’s right,” Prince murmured.

Anxiety nodded, “You can’t argue with logic.”

Logan’s mind spun, they were- they were right. They were right and they loved him, and they weren’t upset, no, they were here, and they were holding him, and oh god.

“I love you,” he sobbed out, “I love you, I love you, I love you”

As he repeated his mantra over and over, their arms tightened more around him, filling him with warmth.

“Let’s take this to a bed,” Morality suggested, “I think we all could use a good cuddling session.”

That sounded amazing to Logan, but…

“What about dinner?” he asked.

“Dinner can wait.” Morality said, pressing a sweet kiss to Logan’s lips. “You’re much more important.”

Later lying in his bed, with his three partners wrapped around him, Logan felt like he was finally starting to believe that, that he was important, that he was loved, and that he wasn’t heartless.

He let his eyes close with contentment, and snuggled deeper into the warmth surrounding him. No, in this moment, he didn’t feel heartless at all, but rather than his heart might burst from the love filling it.

He was enough.


End file.
